


Exile

by jisoomes



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, F/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:27:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29239080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jisoomes/pseuds/jisoomes
Summary: How could she just walk away? He wondered as he watched her legs disappear through the doorway once more. How could she look at him, at themessshe made of him, and leave?
Relationships: Haymitch Abernathy/Effie Trinket
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	Exile

_I can see you standing, honey  
With his arms around your body  
Laughin', but the joke's not funny at all  
And it took you five whole minutes  
To pack us up and leave me with it  
Holdin' all this love out here in the hall_  


The party was boring and Haymitch was quickly growing frustrated.  


Even the drink tightly clasped in his hand was failing to put him at ease. Something about being back in the Capitol gave it a nasty aftertaste. All he wanted to do was retire and knock himself out until tomorrow but the kids would notice and it would ruin their night. It was the only reason he stayed, really. Ten years had passed since the war and they had grown together better than he could have hoped. It was the first time they had shown an interest in going back to the Capitol.  


Haymitch had the feeling it was more about getting him out of the house and socialising. He didn't need their interference. If anything, it only irritated him. Their intentions were good though and he didn't want them to think he was entirely incapable. So he had put on a suit and smirked and joked until they had left him alone in favour of dancing.  


He alternated between watching them and heading towards the bar. Occasionally, he'd find the snacks and fill up on those too. Simply to kill time. It had been a long time since he had occupied these types of events, especially alone.  


The reminder of his loneliness wasn't a fond one and he took a hard gulp of his drink to chase it away. He knew Effie was somewhere here tonight, not just because the kids had mentioned briefly speaking to her. She hadn't kept in touch, not since she fled Twelve and abandoned them all. He hadn't needed the confirmation. He had felt it the moment he walked in, the buzzing tension that always seemed to settle under his skin when they were in the same room. He could always feel her presence.  


He knew she was there and he had made every effort not to seek her out. Not to search the crowds of people on the dance floor. Not to turn around when he felt the now unfamiliar feeling of her staring at him. It could be all in his head, he hadn't checked to see if she was near him at all. Despite how much it pained him. How much his stomach ached to give in to the urge to see her again...  


It happened accidentally. One moment he was rushing to get a refill of his glass. The next, he settled on sad blue eyes. She looked away so fast he could have sworn he imagined it. But he hadn't. The way his gut reacted when their gazes met for the briefest of moments couldn't be imagined.  


He didn't look away even as she was led away to the dance floor. He stared at the back of her head, at the gorgeous blonde hair he loved to run his fingers through. It was a different shade. Lighter than before. Almost white and tied up in a tight bun that he glared at so hard he thought his gaze would go right through her.  


A part of him hoped it would. Straight into the chest of her date currently embracing her. He knew she was dating. He knew the moment she started dating this current one too. Plutarch had mentioned it first, with a pressing voice. Then the kids had let it slip too. Peeta first with a kind pat on the arm and then Katniss with a not so subtle hint to _move on_.  


They looked good together. Haymitch didn't miss the way the man was the complete opposite of him. Dark hair and pale skin and a clean-shaven face. He was older than him too, although not much so. His eyes were dark and distinctly cold and even if he hadn't been holding Effie like she was his, Haymitch would have disliked him.  


She could be his - a voice in the back of his head reminded him. What did he know of their relationship?  


Did she look at him the same way as she had looked at him? Did she tease him like she teased Haymitch? Did she make those little noises as she got close with him? Did she smile her real smile with him? His mind ran rampant with torturous thoughts.  


They turned on the floor, not enough for Haymitch to see Effie's full face but enough for him to see her side profile. How often had he studied her face? Traced it with his fingertips and lips, watched in pleasure as her expressions changed...  


It was different now though. A little plumper in places, stiff. It was clear she had some work done since he'd touched her face. It was nothing crazy, nothing unrecognisable. But it was a distinct difference from the Effie Trinket he used to know.

Her date leaned down to whisper something. And Effie threw her head back a little, her mouth opening in what Haymitch immediately recognised as her fake laugh. Inside, his heart rejoiced and his brain rushed to berate it. What did it matter if she faked her humour around this guy? It didn't change the fact that she had chosen him over Haymitch. It didn't change the fact that she had turned him down in favour of somebody she had to fake humour with.  


_I think I've seen this film before  
And I didn't like the ending  
You're not my homeland anymore  
So what am I defending now?  
You were my town, now I'm in exile, seein' you out  
I think I've seen this film before  
_

Finally, he tore his eyes from her. Back to where Katniss and Peeta were swaying out of time with silly smiles on their faces. He tried not to compare them to Effie and he failed. When Katniss smiled, Peeta mirrored the expression. His eyes shone in a way Effie's didn't the entire time he had watched her.  


A part of him felt bad for her. Upset because she deserved better than to fake smiles around the love of her life. Because that man must be, right? What else would be worth abandoning what they had? She was the love of his life. He knew that. He had denied and fought against it but eventually, he had made his peace with it. He loved her like he had loved nobody else. And he wanted her to be happy.  


But she wasn't. And for that brief minute, he was dismayed. Before he reminded himself that this was _her choice_. That she could've been with him dancing the night away right this moment. Laughing at whatever crude joke he would be making and smiling so genuinely her cheeks would hurt.  


She didn't want that, he reminded himself. She wanted insincere. Effie didn't want what he had offered her. She didn't want _him_.  


_I can see you starin', honey  
Like he's just your understudy  
Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me  
Second, third, and hundredth chances  
Balancin' on breaking branches  
Those eyes add insult to injury_  


For the first time that night, she felt his gaze settling on her. The prickling of the skin at the back of her neck told her. And it was nothing like she had been imagining all those years. It was as if sparks of electricity had begun to run through her. She felt charged. Alive.  


By the time she managed to turn around his gaze was elsewhere. A stab of jealousy came before she could help it. Had another woman caught his eye? Would he be taking somebody home tonight?  


What did it matter? She didn't own him anymore. She never had.  


"Everything okay?" Salvius frowned, lowering his head a little so she could hear him better over the music. She forced a happy smile on her lips and nodded reassuringly. Pretended she wasn't disappointed when he returned a warm smile and carried on dancing. Her eyes followed the lines of his face for a moment. Salvius was ten years older than her but it doesn't show much. He was as religious in his skincare as she used to be and she appreciated that. His dark eyes were looking at something behind her.  


It wasn't a coincidence that he was the complete opposite of Haymitch. She had chosen her partners very carefully since things ended with him. First, she had settled on whatever creepy old man would be more than happy to help her out. Junius had fit the bill perfectly. He was old enough to be her father and was more than happy to cling to her old persona. It wasn't hard to convince him to pay for surgery to remove the scars from the war - she hadn't expected it to be.  


Before everything, she had always prided herself in being natural. It was a personal achievement that she had loved to brag about. Why wouldn't she? She had been beautiful. Her skin had been smooth and clean and soft. Her body had been perfectly toned... And she had worked hard for that until those Capitol guards took it away. It had been important to get it back if she wanted to survive without Haymitch.  


Like a pin drawn to a magnet, she found him again. Their eyes met and she didn’t pull away from the feelings bubbling in her chest. It was not quite the same as before. His grey eyes were harder, his face older. He looked every bit of his fifty years. And she expected to find anger or jealousy across his face. But instead, he simply looked sad. Empty.  


She had done that. _No_ , she instantly argued. She hadn't meant enough to him to do that.  


Salvius gently squeezed her shoulder, and it's only then Effie realised he had been talking. Making some excuse about going to get a drink. That's perfect for her. She could do with some air.  


_I think I've seen this film before  
And I didn't like the ending  
I'm not your problem anymore  
So who am I offending now?  
You were my crown, now I'm in exile, seein' you out  
I think I've seen this film before  
So I'm leaving out the side door_  


The air outside was cold on her skin. It's too cold to be without a jacket but for once, she didn't care. She had never been a fan of the cold. Even before her time in the Capitol's cells, she had always preferred the warm. Something probably born from her mother turning off the warm water when she had been younger, insisting the cold was better for weight loss.  


For a second, she missed knowing Haymitch would be following her out. More than willing to lend a jacket while she took a breather. Even back during the Games, there had been times where she had to have a moment or else she'd lose it. He had always been good at sensing when she needed space and when she needed comfort.  


Effie wasn't sure what changed but suddenly she felt him again. His presence heavy on the quiet balcony she has escaped to. The house was huge, from before the war. So massive there were four people outside but they're all out of earshot of one another. She couldn’t even hear his footsteps, but she _felt_ him.  


He was standing at the wall next to the door, lighting a cigarette. _Another bad habit_ , she chided mentally. He didn't have that one when she left him, or maybe he had but hid it.  


Haymitch _didn’t_ hide his blatant staring. Gone was the empty sadness from before. Now he just looked angry. Like she had expected, of course. He had always been possessive. But the potent fury etched across his face right that moment angered her. He was still holding onto his grudges, it seemed.  


She had let hers go a long time ago.  


There was no space for that in her life. There never had been, really. Effie had always favoured the fakeness of the city, the underlying digs and backstabbing. Anger was destructive. It tore somebody apart inside out. There was safety in the falsities of the Capitol. She knew how to play that game.  


She didn't linger long, suddenly eager to escape the heat-filled gaze and return to the dance floor.  


_So step right out, there is no amount  
Of crying I can do for you  
All this time  
We always walked a very thin line  
You didn't even hear me out (You didn't even hear me out)  
You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)_  


How could she just walk away? He wondered as he watched her legs disappear through the doorway once more. How could she look at him, at the _mess_ she made of him, and leave?  


After her imprisonment, he had felt such overwhelming guilt over what had happened to her. Had clung to her side as best he could whilst balancing the children’s problems too. She had asked him again and again whether he would leave her, whether he found her ugly...  


It had physically hurt to even imagine. It had been almost as painful as almost being gutted when he sat in that hovercraft and flew further and further away from her when he’d taken Katniss to Twelve.  


The feelings died down eventually. Soothed both by a return to somewhat-normalcy and her return with the boy. He had thought they’d never be apart for long again.

But then out of nowhere, she had started getting aggravated over the smallest things. More and more nights spent in the dusty guest room and resenting the lack of communication. Not that he had really tried much on that front - she had known that wasn’t his strong point. He had waited and waited for her to bring it up, for her to start the resolution. But instead, she had just given up. And then he had tried to fix it himself, he had tried but he was _shit_ at communicating and it seemed like all he did was make things worse for her.  


When she suggested space, he had been expecting that. Expecting her to ask him to stay at the children’s house, maybe in one of the spare houses in the village... Not that she was going back to the Capitol. Not that she couldn’t bear to watch them fall apart any more.  


_So that’s it then?_ He had said, faced with the bags already packed at the door. _You’re leaving_.  


_I will call_ , she had replied. Her eyes had been red from tears already but they still managed to well up when she kissed his cheek and told him not to be a stranger. To give her a little time and then they could try again.  


They didn’t try again. She called, asked how he was and he was hardly about to say he’d spent the two weeks since she left moping about and drinking heavier than he had in years. He certainly wasn’t going to tell her he had cried into the sheets that still smelt like her more times than he cared to admit.  


He hoped she would be able to read between the lines. To have felt the same anguish. His hope had been wasted. She had informed him she was not coming back, he had pretended not to feel his heart break in his chest...  


_All this time, I never learned to read your mind (Never learned to read my mind)  
I couldn't turn things around (You never turned things around)  
'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)  
So many signs, so many signs  
You didn't even see the signs  
I think I've seen this film before  
And I didn't like the ending  
You're not my homeland anymore  
So what am I defending now?_  


Effie couldn't stand talking to the children now.

She loved them. Of course, she loved them as if they were her own. But she could not stand the hostility between them since she left. They didn’t get it, she knew that. And maybe, there was resentment there. Unfounded perhaps, but understandable.  


“The bakery is doing good,” Peeta informed her, a careful smile on his face.  


She didn’t have to force a smile on her face but she worked extra hard to make sure it reached her eyes. “Oh, Peeta, that’s wonderful! Isn’t it?”  


Beside her, Salvius nodded, trying his best to look like he cared.  


“You should come and visit sometime. I mean, so much has happened since you left,” Peeta rambled. “I did the kitchen like you said, tile and wood. It looks really good, right Katniss?”  


The girl hummed, not even hiding her feelings towards Effie. She pretended it didn’t sting.  


“Sure,” she lied. She couldn't quite tell if it was intentional or not, but she knew Salvius would wrinkle his nose a little at the thought of visiting Twelve. She knew she would hide in that excuse rather than face the bigger problems. “I would like that, I will call you!”  


Her hands itched to reach out, to smooth the boy’s blazer or give him a big hug. She missed being able to hug the children the most. Her family didn’t hug at all, and even if they did, it certainly would never compare to the warm, hearty hugs goodbye she had shared with the children every evening…  


“They are very protective of the drunk,” Salvius said as she led them back towards the dance floor.  


She frowned at the nickname. “He is not a bad man.”  


“He’s been glaring at you all night,” her partner complained. “When he followed you out earlier I thought you’d come back in a body bag.”  


“Don’t be ridiculous,” she chided. “Haymitch is nothing like that.”  


“Yeah?” He said, a little nastily. “Saw that in his Quell.”  


Fury flared deep in her stomach but she pushed it down. Bit her tongue until she tasted blood and pulled him harder onto the dancefloor… “I don’t want to talk about him.”  


There was no use in defending him, she reminded herself. It didn’t matter anymore. He didn’t matter in her life now. What did it matter about Salvius' opinion of him?  


_You were my town, now I'm in exile, seein' you our  
I think I've seen this film before  
So I'm leavin' out the side door_  


“Effie said she’d think about visiting,” Peeta said brightly - probably a little tipsy from the alcohol. “I hope she won’t bring her boyfriend though.”  


“He looks like a doll,” Katniss added. “His skin is so weird. I can’t stand to look at him.”  


_Neither can I_ , Haymitch thought. But for entirely different reasons.  


“‘M gonna call it a night,” he told them. Truth be told, he was eager to return to his hotel room and get plastered. Drink away any memory of this night because it was one thing to know she was dating other people, it was another to see it. For an extended period of time.  


Maybe he should find a woman to entertain him. Take his mind off of Effie. But if he were honest, it didn’t appeal to him as it had decades earlier. Back when they had been exclaiming they were casual and throwing fits of jealousy every time the other tested that theory.  


He didn’t want someone to sleep with, that was the thing. He didn’t want sex. He wanted blonde hair tickling his nose in the morning and pathetic attempts at cooking. He wanted secret laughs that warmed him inside out and fluffy feet in socks placed playfully on his lap whilst watching a movie…  


And he wanted all of that with just one person.  


_So step right out, there is no amount  
Of crying I can do for you  
All this time  
We always walked a very thin line  
You didn't even hear me out (Didn't even hear me out)  
You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)_  


As if by instinct, she knew he had left the party. Her shoulders relaxed a little bit, the feeling of being watched subsided and her face finally let the smile slip. Slavius didn’t notice, too busy chatting to a lady who’d apparently gone to school with him.  


Effie willed her eyes to watch the busy crowd, to not actively search for the sight of Haymitch slipping out. To not give into the want for one last glimpse of him. It would only hurt a little more.  


She wished he had said something to her.  


She wished he had demanded she leave all this behind and they try again. She wouldn’t have come, of course. But she longed all of a sudden for the acknowledgement. For him to tell her that he knew she wasn’t happy. For him to tell her the truth. Although, she wasn’t quite sure _why_ she wanted that. So she did what she always did. Took a deep breath, _chins up, eyes bright_ and pulled the smile back onto her face.  


_I never learned to read your mind (Never learned to read my mind)  
I couldn't turn things around (You never turned things around)  
'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)  
You never gave a warning sign_  


That night, she stared at the ceiling more than she slept.  


It’s not that uncommon of an occurrence for her. After all, she had never been a great sleeper even without all the nightmares. But for once, she is not plagued by flashbacks or panic attacks.  


But the thought of what he’s doing right now.  


Knowing him, he had probably found somebody else to entertain him. LIke he always had during the games when she was busy with somebody else. Probably passed out in bed next to whatever stranger had seemed normal enough and reeking of alcohol.  


Her nose yearned for the familiar smell of whiskey and sweat. It didn’t always bring back good memories anymore. Not after all those nights spent fighting about Haymitch’s drinking. But it still felt safe.  


She burrowed closer to Slavius and tried not to be disappointed when the pleasant cologne met her senses instead. She didn’t try to stop the tears trickling down silently though.  


There was no point.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy 2021! Isn't this a lovely first post? xD I meant to post this last month but lockdown has all my days blurring together lmao. It also, apparently has me feeling very angsty so I apologise for this! There's a second part that I'm halfway through right now, I don't know when it'll be posted but it's there... And it's going well. Bonus points if you figure out what it's based on ;)  
> So... Tell me your thoughts! How frustrating are Hayffie in this? Did you like it? Did you hate it? I want to know it all!


End file.
